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Dad

For me this is an emotional year. I graduate in December and I’m planning my wedding which will happen in February. It has also been 15 years since I lost my Dad on Wednesday. I have now lived over half my life without him and I still miss him so much. Even though he has not been here to see me grow up I think (and hope) that I have so much of him in me, I have his eyes, his taste in music, his fierce temper and loyalty, his obsession with things being ordered. I don’t think, that for those who lose a parent, we ever truly stop grieving. Certainly there are the days that we are happy and get on with our lives, but there are the days, when life events happen that you grieve for the loss, you simply just miss them. I think as humans we can not fully come to grips with the permanence of death, we can’t fully wrap our heads around it. Sometimes I just want my Dad here so I can ask “What do you think”. Although I have to put a side note here and say that my Mum has done an amazing job as a single parent and I am in awe of what she has achieved, she took us out of a 3rd world country and built an incredible life for us and never complained.

On Wednesday I know I will cry. It is what makes me who I am, I will never stop missing him and I wish that I didn’t get just 10 years with him.

I am lucky though, he was a great man and still today people who were his friends, workmates and even just acquaintances will tell me that. It makes me proud and I love hearing it, it helps me feel that little bit closer to him. I love him with all my heart and I cherish the memories that we have together, like the time he wanted to make me pancakes and burnt them so much they were inedible (the man was an amazing engineer but cooking was not his forte) or the way that his Scottish accent rubbed off on me when I was 2 and when people asked me what I was I would reply “I’m a wee girrrl” in Scottish brogue.

It doesn’t matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was.
– Anne Sexton
 
Dad and baby me

Dad and me as a baby

 
 
 
Maya Angelou – When Great Trees Fall
When great trees fall,
rocks on distant hills shudder,
lions hunker down
in tall grasses,
and even elephants
lumber after safety.When great trees fall
in forests,
small things recoil into silence,
their senses
eroded beyond fear.When great souls die,
the air around us becomes
light, rare, sterile.
We breathe, briefly.
Our eyes, briefly,
see with
a hurtful clarity.
Our memory, suddenly sharpened,
examines,
gnaws on kind words
unsaid,
promised walks
never taken.Great souls die and
our reality, bound to
them, takes leave of us.
Our souls,
dependent upon their
nurture,
now shrink, wizened.
Our minds, formed
and informed by their
radiance,
fall away.
We are not so much maddened
as reduced to the unutterable ignorance
of dark, cold
caves.
And when great souls die,
after a period peace blooms,
slowly and always
irregularly. Spaces fill
with a kind of
soothing electric vibration.
Our senses, restored, never
to be the same, whisper to us.
They existed. They existed.
We can be. Be and be
better. For they existed.

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